Write Your Own Parenting Manifesto
Hi love,
If you’re here, you’re likely curious about what a parenting manifesto is, how you might write your own (now or in the future), and maybe you’re curious about what I shared in my personal parenting manifesto. I’ll cover all that here.
The idea of a parenting manifesto came to me because I realized that in my years as a leadership consultant, I often lead executives through strategizing about business - asking questions like:
What are your values?
What is your mission?
How will you reach your mission? What is your strategy?
This process is so helpful in business. So, why not take the same approach in parenting? Why not get really thoughtful and mindful about what matters when it comes to the most important job of raising our next generation?
I originally created this document as a way for my husband and I to get on the same page as co-parents and to talk about what matters to us. Then our family wanted a copy, and we shared it with our children’s nanny as well. Next, friends and my IG community got curious and asked to see it. So here we are! I hope you find it useful.
Below is a template you can use to create your own manifesto, and following that, is my manifesto as an example. Know that your manifesto may look totally different than mine and that’s great!
Let me know how this process goes for you! And remember - no matter how you parent, you’re doing incredibly important work and I have no doubt you’re doing a great job. Thank you for your dedication to our earth’s children.
Love,
Megan
____________
Parenting Manifesto Template
Parenting Manifesto
December 2023
Values: Our core values in parenting are…
Name 3-5 values (no more than 5!) about what matters to you in how you parent.
You may reflect on your own childhood and ways you’d like to parent similarly or differently than you experienced (e.g. If your upbringing felt chaotic, you may value stability for example or if your upbringing had a lot of joy and adventure, you may want to replicate that with your children).
You may also consider - how would others describe you as a parent? What qualities or traits are you already demonstrating that you can make explicit?
Mission: We aim to raise children who are…
When your children are 20 years old, how do you want people to describe them?
What traits are really important to you? For example, would you rather raise children who are being polite & appropriate or being wild & self-expressed?
No right or wrong here - just an invitation to make explicit your implicit hopes and expectations. Reflect on - what do I consider a “good person” to be?
I kept this brief - around 5 core traits - for ease of communication. But if you’d like, you’re welcome to expand it into paragraphs.
Strategy:
This is the “how we do things” section, where you get tangible about how you handle specific situations and what guidelines are important to you. This section can and will change frequently as your children grow up and you encounter new situations.
Consider topics like:
Screen use
Diet
Communication
Politeness and social interactions
Risk-taking
Tantrums
Hard “no’s” you have
Boundaries you want to set
Bedtime and sleep guidance
Etc.
This section can be a great conversation starter to talk with others who care for your child - nannies, daycare providers, in-laws, and grandparents. Remember it’s a fine balance - while you are the parent and ultimately set the rules, others have wisdom too.
____________
My Parenting Manifesto
December 2023
Values: Our core values in parenting are…
Attunement - sensing each other and responding to subtle communication
Gentleness - avoiding harsh words or actions
Respect - treating children like people with dignity and rights
Mission: We aim to raise children who are…
Authentic - to their deepest selves and in touch with their core needs & wants
Kind - to self and others
Brave and adventurous - willing to take risks and be courageous
Emotionally resilient - they know they can competently bounce back from challenges
Generous - helpful, aware of their impact on others
Strategy:
1. Healthy diet
We try to give our kids minimal sugar and a healthy diet. We believe that thriving relies on good nutrition and health, so we love to feed Lila things like - edamame, veggies, fruit, eggs, chicken, some rice/quinoa, full-fat yogurt, etc.
For treats - she can have homemade popsicles (just fruit and coconut water), frozen bananas, coconut water, and peanut butter chocolate energy balls.
Please no ice cream, cookies, chips, or other processed foods without clearing it with us first.
2. Minimal screens
We want to raise a child with a vivid imagination, who creates games and is comfortable with being “bored”.
To that end, we don’t allow screens to be used except on long car rides or plane trips, or while brushing her teeth. Sometimes we watch a movie with her at night.
Please don’t show her any TV or screens without clearing it with us first.
3. Acknowledge effort and enjoyment, rather than praise her
We seek to raise a child who is internally motivated, driven by her own desires and interests, rather than a little one who constantly looks outside herself for validation and direction.
To do that, we avoid phrases like “Good job!” or “Well done!” which creates a dynamic of us evaluating and judging her (and creates people-pleasing children).
Instead, we acknowledge in a value-neutral way what she is doing - “I see you’re riding your bike” or “You’re using the purple crayon”.
Alternatively, you can recognize her effort - “You can ride with your feet up now” or “You’re learning to put the blocks in the right holes” or her perceived mood “You looked happy while drawing - did you enjoy that?”
4. Respond to her cries with empathy and spaciousness
We want to raise children who feel free to express their feelings fully (in appropriate places), and know they will be loved and connected no matter how they feel.
To do that, when she cries or is upset, we stay near her. It’s totally ok for us if she’s upset, with support nearby. We might name what we see - “I see you look mad” or “Are you feeling sad, honey?”, or just offer her a hug. We notice our own body too - are we getting upset by her tears? Maybe it is time to ask another adult to help.
We aim to never say “Don’t cry” or “It’s ok, it’s not a big deal” (because it is to her) or to use distraction to avoid her feelings (“Quick look at the bird over there!”).
We welcome big tantrums if needed, and we may bring her to a safe place (e.g. outside the restaurant or in the car) where she can express fully.
5. Connect & collaborate, rather than be coercive
When we need Lila to do something (e.g. put on her shoes or put away the toys) and she doesn’t want to, we slow down and connect first. Look her in the eye, feel her heart, maybe play a bit. Then we invite her to collaborate with us in doing what needs to be done.
When we’re synced up with her and connected, collaboration flows.
We try to avoid pushing her (“Put on your shoes NOW!”), forcing her (e.g picking her up and carrying her out of a restaurant), or bribing her (“If you get into your car seat, I’ll give you a popsicle…”). All of these undermine our core values of respect, gentleness, and attunement.
6. Take healthy risks
We want to raise a child that is brave and adventurous. To do that, we encourage her to climb, crawl, and jump (with our hands nearby if needed).
It’s important to us that we don’t say the words “Be careful” to her because that isn’t helpful to a small brain and can promote unnecessary anxiety in children.
Instead, you can gently ask things like - “What’s your plan to get down?” or “Do your hands feel steady on that?” while holding your hands ready in case she falls.
Encourage her to stretch her comfort zone slowly, by suggesting she try new things (“Can you climb that?”) but if she is scared, never push her.
7. Personal autonomy where possible
We want to raise a child that feels independent, competent, and capable.
To that end, we encourage her to do things on her own whenever possible (e.g. dressing herself, feeding herself, putting her shoes on, etc.). If she asks for help, we help, but if she’s doing it by herself (even if it’s taking a long time or she’s struggling), resist intervening. Give her space to try it herself.
We also allow her to have personal choice and control wherever possible and safe. For example, we choose what is served for dinner - she decides what she eats and how much. Or we pick out a few weather-appropriate outfits and she decides which one she will wear.
8. Good hygiene is important
It’s important to us that Lila washes her hands well before eating, after playing on a playground, or after being out of the house. It’s the simplest thing we can do to support good health.
When wiping after potty, always go front-to-back with the toilet paper to prevent UTIs.
Avoid any children or adults who are coughing, have a runny nose, or otherwise look unwell.
9. Encourage independent play, follow her lead
We want a child who can play independently and create games on their own. If Lila is playing happily solo, resist intervening or joining the play. Instead, do your own thing in the same room (wash dishes, clean, read, etc.).
When you do play with her, let her lead the games and activities and follow her lead, rather than feel like you need to come up with games or entertain her (this creates children that think the adults are meant to entertain them - exhausting!).
You can also set up little areas for her to play independently (e.g. giving her a few cups and spoons with rice or water to practice pouring and pretend cooking).
10. Naps
We’ve found keeping a consistent sleep schedule is really important. If she’s sleepy, please check in with us first before putting her down for a nap (if possible). Otherwise, aim for a midday nap from 12:30 - 2pm.
11. Genitals
We want Lila to have a shame-free relationship with her whole body, including her genitals.
We call her genitals “yoni” and boy’s genitals “penis”.
For us, climbing and playing with her bum or yoni exposed at home is totally fine. When out and about, best to have underwear to protect her private parts.
It’s also totally ok for us if she’s playing with her yoni (and her hands are clean). If in public, say something like “that’s best to do in your bedroom, honey” and gently move her hands.
Also remind her not to touch her bum or yoni while eating to avoid cross contamination.
We try not to say “dirty diapers” (because pee and poop aren’t dirty - they’re natural) and instead say a wet diaper or a poopy diaper.
Lastly, we try to avoid making comments about her body’s appearance - either positive or negative - as research has shown that adults commenting on girl’s bodies creates self-consciousness.
12. Toys
For her health (plastic leaks toxins) and for the earth, we try to limit the amount of plastic toys she has. Instead we prefer wood, cloth, or paper. Everyday objects are the best toys! (E.g. kitchen utensils, boxes, etc)
We do our best not to buy a bunch of toys and if there are too many around, we put some in storage and rotate toys to limit overwhelm.