Her Withholding Kills Him
She has been taught by society that her needs (like attention, compassion, touch, etc.) are not important.
So she hides and denies them.
Subconsciously, she hopes her man knows what she needs and fulfills them.
A simple “How was your day?”, a back massage, a home cooked dinner would do.
But he can’t read her mind, so he just carries on.
She says nothing.
In her silence, she is training him that she is low-maintenance, she doesn’t need or want much.
[This is ALWAYS a lie - women are infinite pits of desire]
Meanwhile, her unmet needs harden into anger.
She doesn’t know why she is so angry or what to do about it.
So she withdraws from him.
She pulls away and “takes care of herself”.
She doesn’t ask for love or support.
She handles her life on her own.
He starts to feel useless.
He doesn’t know how to help her or how to love her.
One of his core needs - to feel useful, successful, providing - doesn’t have an outlet.
How do I love her?
When he can’t figure out how, he gets angry too, maybe even resentful.
He now has two options - lashes out or check out.
He becomes lazy, spiteful - refuses to take out the trash or pick up the kids.
His laziness is the only option he sees to avoid rocking the boat and making things even worse.
Or he says cruel things to her, trying to bait her into coming out to connect with him.
This makes her withdraw even further or lash back out to try to push him away.
She goes further into her self-reliance and “I don’t need you”.
Ultimately, they become disconnected,
Full of self-righteous indignation,
With only their own resentment to keep them company.
What’s the antidote?
She finds ways to let him into her life.
She asks for help, asks for the love she wants.
Lets him be useful to her and successful with her (even though it feels scary to let him in).
She gives him a gam he can WIN!
Her antidote is her vulnerability and reception - that is the kryptonite that will melt the angry walls of his heart.
His antidote is his persist willingness and attention.
He can make offers - how can I help? What can I do to make you happier? To make your life more pleasurable?
He can look below her anger to see the spot in her heart that is craving his love & attention.
Finding that spot can become a game for him
How can he sneak more love in?
How can he use a forcefield against her anger and not taking it personally?
Knowing her anger is a mask, to cloak the desire she feels shame in expressing.
They both look for the unmet need under the anger - needing him to feel useful, needing her to feel wanted.
They make it a game, not taking it personally.
And re-commit to providing for each other's needs.