What Love Teaches Me
***Warning: Long and Vulnerable Post***
I learned a few things about love and life this week after visiting my friends and family in California. Some highlights:
Once I love someone, I always love them. There’s no escaping my love. It’s like I gave everyone I have ever loved an address in my heart and they always have a home there - no one can replace them and the home never gets sold. Even though we may not spend time together anymore or talk much, I can still feel the love between us that never goes away.
Time is a trip. I’ve lived in Bali five months now and this was my first trip back to the US. Some events feel like eternity ago, some feel like yesterday - time is stretchy like laffy taffy. I connected with friends I hadn’t seen in months as if we just saw each other yesterday. And at the same time, I saw enormous changes in my community since I left - life had clearly moved on there. It felt bittersweet to feel that.
Less expectations = more joy. I planned a beach party and day of, I woke up scared no one was coming to my party and that would be proof I was a loser. But I decided whoever comes - even if it’s just me - I’ll have a blast at the beach. And you know what? I did! I swam in the ocean, read a book. Then ten people came and we played and laughed and I was delighted.
Men are amazing. Again and again, I saw how men love to make women happy. Elsas roommate Terry who cooked us dinner at 10pm. Spencer who drove me to The Land. Kyle who brought us water at the beach (with surprise lemon!). James who bought me a gift while I’m gone. My dad who made Margo and I up a special cheese platter. Over and over, I was blown away by the heart of the men around me and their deep willingness to be of service.
Most of the time, when I’m grumpy, it’s because I’m just full-to-bursting with unexpressed love. One day, I felt a little wonky and self-conscious but then I made chocolate chip cookies for everyone and seeing my friends’ delight in the cookies made me feel happy. I remembered I’m a loving, good person by pouring out some of the love in my heart.
I LOVE animals again. I loved animals as a little girl -I wanted to be a vet - but as I grew up, I started to just think animals were kind of smelly, loud, and annoying. But the last couple years I’m starting to love animals again, like the mini cow Cliff. When I get back to Bali, I’m going to foster a puppy. I think this is evidence that my heart is de-thawing
If I want to know someone, I have to be willing to get inside their world. One of my favorite memories was taking my brothers HIIT class and seeing him teach. Do I love HIIT? No, not really. Do I love seeing inside my brothers world and learning more about his passions? Abso-fricking-lutely.
Girlfriends that love my hidden sides are the greatest gift. Elsa and I spent two days together playing and provoking each other’s shadow - the insecure loser, the sexy woman, the arrogant bitch, the heartbroken, the playful little one, etc. I felt so loved and free in the exploration of all these parts of us, like nothing had to be hidden.
It takes another madman to call me to a new level. I had a very thought provoking tea with Dave Burns where we questioned all my assumptions on life. Do I even want a business? What’s sunsetting in my life? How do I bring equal parts wrath and love into my leadership? I love being friends with crazy brilliant people like Dave who will ask me these deep questions and challenge me to think bigger about what I want.
There is no birth without death. Every tarot card I drew this week was on death and rebirth - fitting as I saw all the “paths I didn’t take”. The community I didn’t grow in LA. The retreat center I didn’t support. The friends I didn’t spend time with. I love living in Bali and I don’t regret moving there but it was also clear to me what the cost of that desire was/is. Every choice I make has consequences, closing some doors and opening others. Seeing that did feel like a death of sorts.
Connection requires a certain slowness and patience. I felt most connected to people when I wasn’t in a hurry - hiking with Dad and Margo, walking on the beach with Erik, laying on Elsa’s bed, phone call with Taisha. When I have nowhere immediate to go and I’m relaxed, it’s like space opens up for connection to bloom. Hard to do in our go-go-go worlds but it was a good reminder for me to prioritize slow space to connect.
The hardest thing to receive is love. Tiffany gave me great constructive feedback on my leadership, spots I could be more gentle or slow down, etc. At the end, I could feel tenderness in my heart so I asked if she could give me a positive reflection too - something I’m doing well. She did and I burst into tears. It totally overwhelmed me. Some spot in me really needed to hear I was doing a good job, and yet wow, was that hard to take in.
I love you lots,
Megan