When you accidentally hurt your partner...
“I’m so frustrated that you kept interrupting me during the game last night. That was out of line.” .
James told me today as we drove home.
We were playing Catan last night, and I can be fiercely competitive (anyone else?!).
I was telling people not to trade with him (a part of the game) in a way that I intended to be playful and joking, but it didn’t land that way.
He felt like my comments felt aggressive, rude, and dismissive.
When he shared that, I could feel a part of me wanting to defend myself & fight - “No it wasn’t! It’s just a game. Don’t take it so personally.”.
But I also realized -
Oops.
I had an impact I didn’t intend to have.
I meant to be playfully competitive here.
But I accidentally shut down my partner and irritated him.
So I apologized - “Oops. That wasn’t my intention, but I see the impact I had, and I’m sorry for it. I’ll try not to do that again.”.
It helped me to separate out my intention vs. my impact, so I could hold myself without shame or defensiveness, yet own that my actions had unintended consequences.
He softened. That was all he needed to hear.
_____
In relationships, one of the most insightful moments is when our INTENTIONS and our IMPACT diverge.
AKA, when the message we meant to send vs. the message our partner received is very different.
For example…
1. Maybe you are stroking your partner’s head to show your affection, but they brush you off, irritated that you’re “mothering” them.
2. Maybe you ask for your partner to slow down in bed, trying to create more erotic connection between you two, but they get upset and withdraw.
3. Maybe you share vulnerably about a fight with your friend, hoping to be held and heard, but your partner immediately says, “Well you never liked her anyway.”.
4. Maybe you gave career advice to your partner, hoping to be helpful, but they shut down and stopped sharing about their work challenges.
In all these examples, you’re INTENDING something:
Intending to show affection.
Intending to create intimacy.
Intending to receive support.
Intending to help your partner.
And yet, the impact is very different.
Irritation.
Withdrawal.
Brushing off emotions.
Closure.
None of these are your fault - nor are they your partner's fault.
It’s a matter of crossed signals.
Crossed signals come from a lack of sensitivity and awareness from both partners.
Good news is that sensitivity and awareness can be cultivated.
And one of the best ways to cultivate it, is to be open to noticing where your intention and your impact aren’t lining up.
Because these sticky moments reveal your blindspots, or areas where you can continue to grow in your awareness of and sensitivity to the situation.
Like for me - I learned that in competitive moments, I mean to be playful… but I may take the teasing too far for some people. Which is good information to know!
So, to conclude, here is a little practice for you.
Reflect on:
Where did I accidentally make my partner feel hurt, shut down, or dismissed?
What was I intending to do?
What impact did I actually have on my partner?
What can I learn from this moment - about myself, about my partner, and about our dynamic?
These questions are powerful to reflect on moments of "crossed signals" - and turn them into potent moments of growth, without shame or blame.
Hit “reply” and let me know - are you going to try these questions? What did you discover? I love hearing from you.
Xoxo,
Megan
P.S. Want to do a deep dive into relationship mastery?
Join us on our couples retreat in December in Bali!
Devoted is for high-level couples who want to keep growing and thriving together for years to come.
Couples who want to keep the fiery hot passion in the intimacy… with the deep sacred reverence for each other and for their relationship.
Sound intriguing? Click here to learn more…