How to Fight Well as a Couple
You find someone great, you fall in love, and then it’s happily ever right?
Um no.
Once you open your heart to someone… that is when the real work starts.
When the childhood wounds surface.
When the triggers appear.
When disappointment, hurt, and betrayal happen.
And often, you are caught by surprise.
Raised with fairy tales and “happily ever after” stories, many people find themselves unprepared to navigate turbulence in their relationship.
Here is the truth:
You WILL disappoint each other.
You WILL hurt each other.
You WILL have conflicts - big and small - for years, no matter how conscious or evolved you are.
So then the questions are…
How do you fight well?
How do you navigate being triggered?
How do you communicate hurt feelings?
These are skills that every person can learn.
Skills like:
How to regulate your nervous system so you don’t explode in anger or shut down in hurt
How to communicate directly and clearly what you need, in a way your partner can hear it
How to listen with deep compassion so your partner feels heard and understood
How to express your emotions powerfully - without triggering your partner
These are skills EVERY couple needs to know to thrive together.
(Want support learning these skills? Book a Discovery Call with me to chat about it)
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Let’s see an example.
Imagine you expected your partner home by 5pm, so you cook a delicious meal for them.
You set the table and are excitedly waiting for them to arrive.
Minutes go by.
5:15…
5:30…
6:00…
At 6:30pm your partner shows up, flustered and stressed. “Hey babe, I got caught in a late meeting. Hope you weren’t waiting for me.”
You’re fuming. So angry (and hungry!).
What do you do?
A) Explode - “Yes I was waiting! You could have at least messaged me to let me know. You always do that! You are so inconsiderate.”
B) Swallow your disappointment and say, “It’s fine. I already ate. Your food is on the table.” Then go into your room and cry once you’re alone.
C) Try to be understanding - he is just late right? No big deal. You make a joke and then eat together.
D) Take a few deep breaths to help your body calm the fight-or-flight. Share vulnerably, “I was so excited to have dinner with you and I’m so sad you were late. I felt unimportant to you, even though I know I am not”, as you let your sadness and hurt show in your face. You ask for a hug.
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While you may know the “right” answer, also take notice of which option is your instinctual default.
Some possible outcomes…
Option A - your partner will probably fight back or react defensively, and you’ll feel even more unheard and unseen.
Option B - you will feel distant and resentful as you emotionally withdraw from the relationship - and your partner won’t know what they did.
Option C - the feelings are pushed under the rug for now, but they will likely resurface in the future as simmering resentment and unmet needs.
Option D - hopefully, this open-hearted sharing invites your partner towards you in this moment and you two can repair after the rupture & disappointment.
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In an ideal world, we would…
Take turns sharing vulnerably, while the other partner listens with compassion (“It makes sense that you’re upset right now”)
Tend to your nervous system - for some people, this is taking deep breaths, while for others, it may be punching a pillow or shaking your body.
Communicate clearly with “I” statements (“I feel hurt when you were late…”)
Own your part and make amends (“I acknowledge that I should have told you I was late. I will next time.”)
Express the emotions such as having a big cry, dancing the anger through your body, etc. (an advanced practice - best done with a coach)
Notice what patterns are playing from childhood (“My dad used to always be late picking me up from daycare and it made me feel unimportant”)
These are all skills you can practice that will dramatically increase the connection in your fights.
These skills are learnable.
You can cultivate them in your relationship.
So your fights go from destructive and painful to constructive and illuminating.
Want support in this journey?
Book a 30 minute Discovery Call with me where we can talk about what your conflicts are like now, what you want, and how I can support you.