Under This Irritation and Criticism, is There a Desire?

James & I had an EPIC fight a couple days ago. Ready for it?

We were listening to a David Deida podcast, eating our dinner.
Deida mentioned devotional sex and bringing more reverence into the bedroom.

I paused the podcast and said, “I like that!”
James said, “Uh huh.” And hit play.

Hrmp.

I paused the podcast again, “Hey, do you have any questions for me?”
James looks confused, “No, not right now.”
And he hit play.

Now I was simmering angry, and I didn’t really know why.

I snipped back, “You should ask me more questions!”
He now looks agitated and confused.
“What in the world are you talking about?”

I felt my blood boiling.
Nothing that would come out of my mouth right now would be kind or useful.

I played wrestled with him and he wrestled back.
We often move anger through our body this way, to express how we feel without the story.

It felt good, but he still looked confused and I didn’t know what to tell him.
I knew my irritation was irrational but it was not going anywhere.

So I went to the bathroom to give myself a break.
I took a deep breath.

Asked myself, “Under this irritation and criticism, is there a desire? Is there something more vulnerable there?”

I realized there was.
I wanted more reverence and devotion in our sex.

But it felt too vulnerable to say, so I hoped he would….
⚡️ read my mind,
⚡️ pick up on my unspoken desire,
⚡️ ask me about it, and
⚡️ then do it.

Yeah, I know, kind of crazy, huh?
Especially when I hadn’t even realized my own desire.

I stayed with myself for a few more minutes.
Letting my belly, hips, and throat relax, I imagined embracing that tender little desire in my heart. Nurturing it. Giving it space to grow.

I reminded myself James & I are on the same team, that he wants me to have everything I want. I don’t have to fight him for it.

Once I felt soft and open, I walked back out into the living room.
He immediately felt how much softer I was and he softened too.
He smiled, hugged me, kissed my cheeks.
The whole mood had shifted.

I shared my desire with him for devotional sex.
He nodded, logging it away in his mind & in his plan for the future, as he does.

And you know what?
We had the devotional sex I wanted.
It was EPIC.

And so was the fight.

Each fight or moment like this gives me a chance to practice slowing down, tuning in to myself, and figuring out what the tender desire is.

It’s easy to be angry and critical.
It’s challenging to be soft and vulnerable.

Have you ever felt that way?
Found yourself picking a fight because you really just wanted something that felt too scary or vulnerable to ask for?
Let me know below!

Xoxo,

Megan