Learning to Re-Sensitize

I was a passionate little girl, 
Dancing freely for anyone who’d watch, 
Laughing easily and playing exuberantly, 
Throwing dramatic temper tantrums to earn me the nickname Devil Child
My emotions were on my sleeve and everything impacted me deeply.

As I grew up, I learned to quiet the intensity of my emotions, 
To be strong, tough, capable. 
I noticed people around me rarely cried so I started holding back tears. 
I felt how my temper tantrums left me alone, so I stopped and started behaving “appropriately”. 
I heard culture around me say things like “Don’t be so sensitive” and “Get over it”.

Over time I became very capable and not very sensitive. 
I’d get a paper cut and not feel it until there was blood on the desk. 
I broke up my boyfriend and didn’t cry. 
I’d study late and work myself into the ground, not noticing I was exhausted until I lost my voice.

I had been cultivating a certain numbness in order to “handle” life. 
And it worked well for a while. 
But as Brene Brown says, 
“You can’t selectively numb emotions.”

While I was very successful, my life had a certain flatness to it, 
Like a black and white television. 
I knew I had emotions and sensitivity in me but they felt like fish frozen under a layer of ice. 
I couldn’t access them.

So I spent the last four years de-thawing that ice, 
Reclaiming my sensitivity and emotions. 
It’s my daily practice to soften and let myself feel more. 
Orgasmic meditation, dance like S Factor, mindful breathing are all practices that have helped me. 
And ultimately it’s a choice I make in every moment. 
Do I want to soften and let this moment impact me? 
Or will I brace against it, toughen my walls so I don’t get hurt?

Being a sensitive person in this world is not for the faint of heart. 
Life is painful. 
Most people choose numbness for good reason. 
Example… 
She doesn’t smile back at me and my heart hurts. 
I need to work but my body is exhausted so I can’t. 
I feel an embarrassing amount of love for people I barely know. 
Her passive aggressive comment stings like being slapped. 
Feeling it all makes my life into technicolor and this much color can be intense.

After an amazing date, he says to me 
“I’m afraid I’m going to break your heart.”

I smile and say, 
“I’m not afraid of that. 
I know my heart will break. 
Undoubtably. 
Probably a hundred times a day, in little subtle ways. 
And it’s worth it to me. 
To feel fully alive is worth the pain it requires.”

I’m so grateful for learning to re-sensitive myself, to let myself FEEL. 
I find more delight in little things - a dog joining my breakfast makes me giggle. 
I love more easily and freely, even total strangers like the old man who stands on my road. 
I sometimes feel so much joy and gratitude it brings tears to my eyes. 
Reclaiming my sensitivity brought the color back to my life.

How is your sensitivity? Do you want to reclaim it? (It’s ok too if you don’t!) 
Share below... and if you feel more comfortable sharing your story via private message on Instagram (click), I’d love to hear that too ❤️

Love,

Megan