Miscommunication in Relationships: Part 1
Here’s a bold claim - most of the relationship dissatisfaction and disconnection is directly related to an inability to communicate well.
Which means by unleveling your communication skills, you can avoid a ton of heartache in your relationship.
Each day for the next 3 days, I’ll post a classic miscommunication I see with couples & what to do. Ready for the first one?
Mistake #1 - Couples spending hours processing fights
A fight is an *emotional* experience. Someone gets upset or their feelings hurt, then reacts emotionally. Then the other person may react too.
But often, when couples try to work through fights, they make it into an *intellectual* experience.
They try to talk “rationally”, negotiate, and “be an adult”. This can result in hours long discussions and often, both people still feel unseen and unheard.
The trick?
Come back to the *emotions* involved, rather than the intellectual story.
How?
Cool down, take some space apart, figure out what your own emotions are. How do you feel? What got hurt?
Then come back together, and as vulnerably as possible and one person at a time, share your emotions.
Careful to avoid blaming or shaming.
Ex: “When you arrived late, I felt hurt and unimportant” (sharing your emotions vulnerably) vs. “You’re always late! You need to be on time” (blaming someone else).
The person listening just shares back what they heard and validates the person’s experience. The listener’s only job is to understand the speaker’s world.
Ex: “I hear that you felt hurt and unimportant. I get that - those feelings make sense. What else?”
Continue until the speaker feels fully heard. Then switch roles.
If you find yourself getting defensive, cool down again. Wait until you’re ready to listen before you come back together.
Remember that fights are *emotional *experiences. We have powerful intellect as adults, but this intellect can be distracting in a fight.
Talk to and listen to each other like little kids - how would a 5 year old express hurt feelings? What would a 5 year old need to hear? Start there.
Let me know how it goes!
What communication tips help you in fights? Share below!
Xoxo,
Megan