What to do when your relationship feels like a friendship/gets boring…
Picture this… it’s Friday night and you’re home with your partner.
Your partner asks, “Shall we go out to dinner at our usual place?”
“Sure.” You say apathetically. Yeah, the food is always good, but also, you feel soooo bored.
You get in the car to go to the restaurant. On the way, you pass a couple kissing passionately at a street corner, and wonder, “When was the last time we did that? Actually, wait, when was the last time we had sex??”
It’s not that there is a problem per se.
You love and trust your partner completely. In fact, just looking at them driving right now gives you warm fuzzies.
It’s just that… you two feel more like friends than lovers.
Somewhere around living together, maybe having kids together or working together, things started to feel a little….
Dry.
Boring.
Routine.
Predictable.
Can you relate?
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The couples we work with tend to have a few things in common:
They have a healthy, loving relationship full of trust.
They are solid teammates and life partners.
They crave more spark, passion, epic sex, and fireworks.
If this sounds like you too, read on.
Where does the spark GO? Why does it tend to fade over time?
Long term love creates resonance or a feeling of familiarity, of being “home”.
Yet, erotic tension requires difference, novelty, the unknown.
Love seeks union, Eros requires space.
Love wants to be “on the same page”, while Eros wants to be fascinated by the mystery and newness of an Other.
(Esther Perel has a great book on this - Mating in Captivity).
Can you see how these two fundamental needs are in direct contrast with each other?
If you can relate to the story above, you’re likely doing great on the love piece, but may need more support on the erotic part.
Naturally, as you two get to know each other and create a life, you start to develop habits, routines, ways of being together.
You two fall into resonance, sameness. You may even start dressing like each other (It happens!).
Which means some of the mystery, the unknown, the sexual tension disappears.
Luckily, it is not gone forever - I believe that if both partners are willing, the spark can ALWAYS be reignited.
How?
Through 4 elements of EPIC Intimacy.
My husband, James Mattingley, and I created this to give our clients a roadmap back to wild passion and magnetic attraction.
Here are the 4 elements...
E - Exploration
If sameness creates love, novelty sparks the erotic.
So, trying new things together can start to bring back that “unknown” quality into the partnership. That could be going on a retreat together, taking a course, learning to dance, etc.
You can also explore on your own. One person beginning to grow, branch out, and explore introduces novelty into the relationship because it interrupts the habitual patterns.
P - Polarity
In our coaching, we teach advanced polarity, which is consciously playing with masculine and feminine energies to create an arc of attraction between partners.
We help each partner cultivate “energetic agility” to embody each energy, so you can create that sexy “I-want-you-know” passion any time you want.
It sounds like magic - and it is!
I - Intention
Do you have a clear “why” behind your sex and intimacy? This is SO powerful, because it gets you two aligned around your erotic life.
Instead of fighting about how often to have sex, mismatched libidos, or who is initiating sex, when you have a clear intention, you two can feel seamlessly aligned around a common vision for your erotic life.
C - Communication
One of the biggest challenges is how a couple talks about their sex life - without it turning into a fight.
Often if they’ve felt disconnected sexually, just raising the topic of intimacy can feel heavy and scary.
But there is a way to talk about this very intimate and taboo topic in a way that invites playfulness and exploration. You can get a free guide I created to have a sexy conversation here (Click HERE!)
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As you read these 4 elements, which one speaks to you? Which of these areas would you most like to explore in your relationship?
We find in our coaching and retreats that by addressing these 4 elements, the couple begins to talk openly about their erotic life, rediscover the spark, and rekindle the fire.
They discover how to see sex as a practice and polarity as an art form.
And from there have the power to create sexiness and excitement anytime they want.
I hope this article helped you feel less alone in the challenge of feeling like friends (you’re in great company!) and gave you a few possible ways forward together into more wild passion.
Feel free to reach out to me on Instagram (@megandlambert) or by email (megandlambert@gmail.com) to let me know what you got from this!